ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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