I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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