Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
