woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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