mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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