Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
