Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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