just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
