Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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