someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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