College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
