wanna go halves on a baby?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
