Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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