I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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