VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
