hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
