last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize