hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
