I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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