make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
