Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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