So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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