there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I looked at my own cervix.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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