I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
