It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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