I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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