it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
