I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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