We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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