Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
