i just sent this text using only my big toe
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
