I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I wish you could order shots online.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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