got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
