She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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