I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
