I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
