I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
