Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You ate ashes out of my bong
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
