Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize