I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
