There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
