dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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