Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
