he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
