I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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