Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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