I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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