ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
