nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
