i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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