My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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