I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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