Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
