I need help removing her.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
