Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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