May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
