just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize