Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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