Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
