Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
so let's talk penis.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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